When the news get too depressing these are the books to read.

Now, where can one find happiness? Always a good place to start is: anywhere a good, sound couple of laughs wash away the alternative, of course. And each of the Tricky Headlines eBooks holds hundreds and hundreds of laughs for the having. Here you can enjoy the hilarious, definitely not politically correct (PC) quips, comments, and invariably irreverent observations of/by S D Rodrian on today's news headlines collected in this ever continuing series of books intended most especially of all for the latest eReaders out there (each & every available tablet, computer, and iPhone you can buy).

In a world of serious, sad, and even quite tragic circumstances (a world in which about the greatest need is & always will remain the need for laughter), humor always is the point of departure here... ever the abiding goal of these forthright takes on today's so very truly tricky headlines.

S D Rodrian

[Below you can read some of their contents.]

Latter-Day-Musings / S D Rodrian
Barnes And Noble  KOBO eBooks

Tricky Headlines 5 / S D Rodrian
Happy Schadenfreudes to You Democrats & Republicans!
Kindle eBook (Amazon.com)  Barnes And Noble  Kobo  Lulu

Tricky Headlines 3 / S D Rodrian
The World Is Funnier Than It Lets On
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Tricky Headlines 4 / S D Rodrian
Sinful Pleasures of the Anti-Politically Correct
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Tricky Headlines 1 / S D Rodrian
A profound treatise upon the human condition.
Kindle eBook (Amazon.com)  Barnes And Noble  Kobo  Lulu

Tricky Headlines 2 / S D Rodrian
An Amusing Stare Into The Tragedies of Man.
Kindle eBook (Amazon.com)  Barnes And Noble  Kobo  Lulu

Continuing this flippant series of hilarious eBooks exploiting the apparent inability of the writers & editors of today's "Tricky Headlines" to compose clear, unambiguous copy--Puzzlement, amazement, outrage, and the humor of their folly, silliness, ambiguity, injustice, intent to deceive, along with all the rest of it. Intended for an adult audience (think of these items as comics without the graphics). Every collection suitable to be the ideal reading companion for any seated occasion.
eBook Image

Do buy my eBooks and help me to topple Bill Gates off the top of that swanky Forbes's list. eBook Image

What, you want to get bogged down in some inane novel written by a tiresome pointless novelist, or you wanna laugh at the stupidity of Man?

[You may preview these eBooks at Amazon.com]

       The Kindle Store

              The Perfect Gift
            for friend or enemy
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       Click Here for S D Rodrian's eBooks at The KOBO Store.

****************************************************

       Click Here for S D Rodrian's eBooks at Barnes & Noble.

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  "Remember: If you don't want me to quip
    about you, just stay out of the headlines!
"

****************************************************

Ahmadinejad disqualified from presidential election

Maybe, but he still remains a name with which you can conjure up a demon or two.

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Reminder To Dems: You Can't Fight For Economic Justice Without Also Fighting For Reproductive Rights

I am all for reproductive rights: I am for filling up the world to the hilt with so many people that they will eventually pile up like a foam of bubbles! We need to cover the earth with a "crust" of people in order to protect it from asteroids--that way when asteroids fall here the "people's crust" will absorb the hits and the earth beneath it will remain forever pristine and safe! [This might be the true purpose of mankind. God's divine design for humanity.]

****************************************************

Russia Bans Jehovah's Witnesses As 'Extremist' Group

Now that's when you really start envying Putin: I have some family members who are Jehovah's Witnesses.

****************************************************

What Happens When You Try To Get Congress High

You immediately run out of booze. And then you gotta start making frantic calls all over town to every liquor store you've ever heard of.

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What does rap sound like in 2017? A variety of answers from Boogie, Kemba and Kaiydo.

Yep: Those are the guys all right--I must've called the cops on the sonsabitches about 20 times already since they moved in! ["Help!"]

No Holds Barred: Modern noise that robs us of all peace

Above everything else old people need peace & quiet!

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Mole Rat Surprise

Don't you just hate it when the school cafeteria whips up a new dish for lunch!

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GM Plans to Launch 10 Electric Cars in China by 2020

"We might've made it 11, but we just couldn't come up with one more of those long-enough cords."

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Thai Man Arrested Over Suspected Smuggling of Semen Into Laos

"At first he was a tough cookie all right. But he eventually gave it up after we pumped him really hard for a while."

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Bose headphones have been spying on customers, lawsuit claims

Look, if the people at Bose are interested in how many times I need to go to the can these days--God bless'em! [Even my doctor don't wanna.]

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‘Everyone tunes in’: Inside Trump’s obsession with cable TV

SpongeBob SquarePants. It keeps him laughing.

****************************************************

AR-15 assault rifle being raffled to raise money for Texas high school graduation party

What could go wrong? [Highest bid so far is by the most picked-on student in the school--Don't you just feel good for the poor guy!]

****************************************************

Carolyn Hax: Husband says the attraction is gone

Ah! Married life at last commenceth!

****************************************************

Passengers scream as bus plunges in Philippines, killing 29

This definitely does not sound like Fake News. [Dog barks out: "Isn't anybody gonna save the dog?!"]

****************************************************

March for Science Draws Big Crowds, Clever Signs Across U.S.

"1+1=2" Please let Donald know!

The White House can’t seem to perform simple arithmetic

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Thousands Take Part in March for Science in Berlin

Many more mad scientists reported there than in any of the other marches around the globe.

****************************************************

Antarctic Researchers Face Bitter Cold To Support The March For Science

Claim it's the best way to point out that the planet is getting warmer.

****************************************************

Homeland Security Secretary: 'I Don't Know How To Stop' Homegrown Terrorist Attacks

"I just needed a job."

****************************************************

North Korea Threatens To Sink U.S. Aircraft Carrier

Will you relax: Maybe they're just playing Battleship.

****************************************************

For older people living alone, daily automated calls can mean safety

Is that what all those f**king calls are about? Sonofabitch! I've been going outta my mind calling the cops and every Do Not Call agency out there! [I wrote "f**king" because there are people who find it repulsive to see the word "fucking" spelled out correctly and prefer to see it spelled "f**king" for some reason or other.] I also get a lot of calls that say UNKNOWN NAME--Well, if they don't know their own name how the hell they know mine to call me!?! [Answer me that! Hello?]

****************************************************

Inside Camp Le Pen: Crustless sandwiches and a swastika

In her defense: It's pretty hard to make a star with those slices of bread crust. Swastikas, on the other hand, are a cinch! [Try it.]

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Trump voters don’t have buyer’s remorse. But some Hillary Clinton voters do.

Apparently while Hillary voters imagined they were investing in some decent returns Trump voters knew all along that they were just throwing their money in the garbage.

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UN elects Saudi Arabia to women’s rights commission

And they still say the United Nations doesn't have a sense of humor. ["Darn shame Jack The Ripper was unavailable to head the agency!"]

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Iran’s holding presidential elections. Here are the candidates to watch.

Supremo Führer Ayatollah Khomeini. [All the other idiots running plus the clown who actually gets "elected" president are his worshipping slaves.]

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Trending: ‘Commuter Barbie’ is a parody masterpiece; these Dorito bags play cassette tapes

Since we're talking about a kids' toy here I take it "Dorito bags" is an euphemism for her breasts, right?

****************************************************

Republicans launch effort to roll back Dodd-Frank banking regulations

Or, "There are way too many millionaires out there: We need another Wall Street crash to create wealth for 'the right sort of men' (who sale high now in order to buy low after the crash)." [Ask Old Man Joe Kennedy]

****************************************************

Trump’s greatest single achievement almost never gets mentioned

He has raised the bar sky-high on blowing hard.

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In new tax plan, Trump promises to do what Reagan couldn’t

And everybody knows Trump's promises are as real as fairies & as solid as their souls.

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Sorry, Trump voters, you got scammed. You’re never going to get your wall.

Damn it! I already sent my Mexican grandparents wall-climbing equipment I bought at Trump's Close-Outs. "Where returns are a dirty word." [sic.]

****************************************************

The Fix: Spicer briefly suggests Trump is going after your 401(k)s

Look, Trump should just end the charade, pull out a gun and take all our wallets. [Then we can go back to watching reruns of The Munsters on COZI-TV in peace.]

****************************************************

Looking back on Trump’s first 100 days through cartoons

Or, how to explain it so Trump understands it too.

****************************************************

The Fix: Why Obama’s $400,000 Wall Street speech is a bad idea

Because you could give the same speech for $50 bucks--or less. [The big bucks for Obama is so they can enjoy his expression when giving it.]

****************************************************

Neanderthals in California? Maybe So, Provocative Study Says

Their parents seem to like sending them to Berkeley so they can learn all about free speech & shit.

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Redistributing a Nation’s Wealth to Its Richest Families

Dude, if Trump could get a nickel-a-head for every American tomorrow we'd all wake up Saudi slaves or something. [What? You didn't know this? For your own good you need to be somebody's slave, dude!]

****************************************************

Scientists May Have Finally Figured Out Why This Man Is Screaming

Can't sing. [More Nobels to come.]

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China convicts Christian lawyer of subverting state power

Every time they added another charge to his client he kept crying out: "Jesus!" ["Jesus!"] It was especially rattling his client. [Possibly also converting him to Christianity.]

****************************************************

Cops are seeking a man for questioning in stabbing outside a liquor store

"The man would have to be brave and tough--We certainly wouldn't want some fraidycat questioning a criminal who goes around stabbing people."

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A rare flash across the sky captured on cop’s video

"Probably God lighting a cigarette," [from the best-selling story So The Sipping Pope Saw A Saucer]

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First he steals a car at gunpoint. Then he leads police on a chase, cops say

"This has to be specified because a lotta times they also first lead the cops on a chase AND THEN steal a car at gunpoint," cops also said.

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A neighborhood covered in poop is at war over whether majestic peacocks should stay

It depends: Is the poop also majestic or not?

****************************************************

The most common reason people quit their $200,000 tech jobs

For some people there's simply no substitute for the neverending smell of freshly frying burgers--and fries with that?

****************************************************

LaVar Ball shockingly is having trouble getting that $1 billion sneaker deal for his sons

Hey, LaVar, I got a coupla almost brand new ones at home I can let you have for two or three millions. (Each)

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Trump says being president 'is more work than in my previous life'

In his previous life Trump was a cactus plant out in the Mohave Desert. ["It was real peaceful out there, real peaceful!"]

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Xi Jinping’s Dilemma

Which one of his bastards to acknowledge in a one-child China?

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Meet the People Who Train the Robots (to Do Their Jobs)

"We're trying to be as mean as possible to them to bring about the Robot Apocalypse quick as we can." [Translation: "Before they can us."]

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When Do Four Walls Become a Home?

When the roof caves in. [Go ahead: Try it yourself.]

****************************************************

Israel Sees Critics as Enemies

Well, maybe if more of her enemies praised, blessed, and acclaimed Israel they wouldn't see it that way.

****************************************************

State Department Wants to Clear Nikki Haley’s Remarks Before She Speaks

It will, however, not be required that she sit on Trump's lap when she moves her lips to his words. [Without rehearsal.]

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China’s Environmental Woes, in Films That Go Viral, Then Vanish

How odd! It's almost as if China somehow or other were some sort of dictatorship that went in for censorship!

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Thai police say arrest warrant issued for Red Bull heir

Naturally the fugitive's description includes the possibility that he might have wings.

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Reports: US troops deploy along Syria-Turkish border

Trump has not made up his mind yet whether they'll be protecting Turkey from the Syrians or Syrians from Turkey. Stay tuned. [Let's see what says Ivanka.]

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WWII still casts shadow over France amid campaigning

Voters there are frantically searching everywhere for a candidate they can surrender to.

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Buses torched, roads blocked, clashes during Brazil strike

Police say it could've been a whole lot worse were it not for the fact that everyone was wearing thongs.

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Wisconsin students blame Israel for violence against African-Americans

Not only that but I think Israel might've also had something to do with the brake linings of my car recently wearing out before they should've! [Yeah I'm looking into it!]

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Is your ‘organic’ milk is really organic? Critics say big farms’ standards can fall short.

Let's hope they're not falling as short as The Washington Post Editors' proper English standards!

****************************************************

Democrats say they now know exactly why Clinton lost

Because she should have never run in the first place? [Knew that.]

****************************************************

It’s time for Muslim Americans to do politics like other minorities

Yes! They can't just spend all their time advocating the extermination of non-Muslims everywhere Muslims are in the majority... and for Muslims' rights where they are not (until they are, of course).

****************************************************

Warsaw Denounces Macron for Comparing Polish Leader to Putin

Sez Victor Orban is tall and handsome--doesn't at all look like the only crib his parents could afford when he was a baby was a shoebox a couple of sizes too small. [And, by the way: Please don't let Putin see this or I'm gonna have to start taking a bum with me to Starbucks to taste everything I buy there first, for Christ's sakes!]

****************************************************

NASA Spacewalking Suits in Short Supply, Report Finds

Too many rich people are using'em now instead of condoms.

****************************************************

SpaceX Launches Top-Secret Spy Satellite for US Government

Ok, maybe it wasn't such a good idea to advertise it as SpaceX's Top-Secret Spy Satellite.

****************************************************

Met Miami construction worker falls down skyscraper elevator shaft

"One minute he was waiting for the elevator. And the next I'd forgotten to tell him that we hadn't put one in there yet."

****************************************************

He drove drunk at 87 mph in a 45-mph zone with three kids in the car, police said

They kept yelling: "Faster, Daddy! Faster!" ["You don't know what it was like, judge!"]

****************************************************

Science Says: Why Are Opioids So Addictive?

I keep wondering the very same thing about chocolate ice cream.

****************************************************

My one contribution to the autopsies of the 2016 presidential election

Throwing up, buttercup?

****************************************************

Captain and masseuse fled sinking charter boat on Jet Ski, stranding surfers in Indian Ocean, lawsuit says

"You don't understand how stressful it is to lose your ship," said the Captain: "I needed my masseuse!"

****************************************************

What has Trump done so far in office?

Fact Checker: During President Trump’s first 100 days, he made 488 false or misleading claims

When you tell someone a lie the one thing you have certainly told him is that you are a liar.

****************************************************

New USPS Eclipse Stamp Transforms When You Touch It

It goes up 15 cents. I believe all stamps do that now.

****************************************************

Malaria Is On The Rise Among American Travelers

Really? I wonder why Malaria isn't travelling on Air Force One with her husband now?

****************************************************

Dolphin sex is literally kinky

Oh? Did Don Shula write a book?

****************************************************

Watch Orca Pack Hunt Yet Another Whale Calf During 'Unprecedented' Killing Spree

Why, O Why can't they be more like us and raise whale calves commercially so they can then send them on to slaughterhouses to be mercifully sledge-hammered into snacks?

****************************************************

New Sci-Fi Novel Is Set In A World Where Hillary Clinton Actually Won

There Trump is a tragic noble cyborg hero who might've saved the world had he not lost to her because of an evil Russian hacker. Weird, ain't it!

****************************************************

Trump has brought down border crossings — by scaring people away

"If he'd just fly over the border during the day I think we'd probably be all right," a border patrol officer told us. "But he keeps flittering about at night, and it's really giving people here the heebie-jeebies."

****************************************************

Ivanka Trump, you have one job. Time to do it.

"I can't! He's my daddy!"

****************************************************

EPA Removes Scientists From Science Review Board

From now on only a person's net wealth will be used to determine who serves on the Science Review Board. [I mean, who better to understand how much its decisions costs them?]

****************************************************

You'll Never Unlearn How Much Bacteria Lives On Gym Equipment

"I may be wrong, but this could be a shot at the intelligence of people who play sports." ["No: In your case you are not wrong."] "Now I'm confused."

****************************************************

‘Nobody dies because they don’t have access to health care,’ a GOP lawmaker said. The boos drowned him out.

This will tell you how immense is the disconnect between voters and the Democrats, when shitheads like this Republican are still getting elected in this country just by having a Democrat against whom to run.

****************************************************

We would need 1.7 Earths to make our consumption sustainable

So stop eating!

****************************************************

Race favorite Always Dreaming pulls away on a soggy track to win 143rd Kentucky Derby

Wow, won 143 Kentucky Derbys! [And if it wasn't a horse it's even more impressive still.]

****************************************************

How Puerto Rico Went Bankrupt, $123 Billion in Debt

Scientists & philosophers are beginning to suspect it might have something to do with their having spent $123 billion more than they had.

****************************************************

After Mobileye, the hunt is on for next Israeli 'unicorn'

Just check to make sure that the horn is circumcised.

****************************************************

The Next Phase Of Human Evolution Could Include Immortality

Scientists say it will be especially beneficial to those who might not ever want to look their Maker in the eye.

****************************************************

A beloved Miro created for the National Gallery fell out of favor with curators

Too many visitors kept asking for the name of the Kindergarten whose kids painted it--to stay away from it: Said they didn't want their kids coming home with paint like that all over their hair & clothes.

****************************************************

A small Minnesota town is about to get the nation’s first public Satanic Temple monument

Hope it depicts a good solid pitch-forking of the babies fresco: Without that, Hell, in my opinion it might just as well be a one-way street sign.

****************************************************

Trump transition team warned Flynn about contacts with Russian ambassador

Does not say whether they warned him against having them or that he had to have them.

****************************************************

New Earth-Sized Exoplanet Discovered, But It's No Vacation Spot

Trump very disappointed. Very disappointed.

****************************************************

Nearly 400 Birds Migrate Hundreds Of Miles Only To Fatally Crash Into Texas Building

As one bird said to another bird: "Frankly, I think we could've done this just as easily in Florida, if you ask me," before dying.

****************************************************

The next antibiotics could come from the Dark Ages

Especially if Trump wins his war against science.

****************************************************

Maybe Colleges Should Take A Lesson From Zoos

Absolutely! I've long advocated that colleges keep those damn kids in cages myself.

****************************************************

Can Psychedelic Drugs Treat Mental Illness? Scientists Need Your Help To Find Out.

Does not say whether they're looking for space cadets or nuts.

****************************************************

Inside Trump’s anger and impatience — and his sudden decision to fire Comey

"There's a commercial break coming up. Isn't there?" [If it looks like a duck & it walks like a duck & it quacks like a duck The Donald ain't mentally sound.]

****************************************************

Debrief: Trump liked Comey. Then he didn’t. Then he did. Then he didn’t. Then he fired him.

This certainly explains all the daisy petals they now have to vacuum out of the Oval Office.

****************************************************

Why the IRS puts white-nationalist groups in the same category as orchestras, planetariums and zoos

Because their playing animals is out of this world? [Knew that.]

****************************************************

2-year-olds don’t care how others feel — so stop forcing them to apologize

You're just gonna have to wait until Trump grows up one more year--at least. [This might take a while.]

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Sewage Saved This Man's Life. Someday It Could Save Yours.

Way ahead of you: I always carry a flask of it around with me just in case.

****************************************************

Up To 7,000 Bodies Found Buried Beneath University Of Mississippi Medical Center

"Sometimes ya saves them. And sometimes ya gotta bury them before the cops start snooping around."

****************************************************

Scientists May Be ‘Vastly’ Underestimating The Extinction Risk Facing Some Species

Does not say species of what--because sometimes some species of burgers do become extinct pretty quickly.

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Guns will be allowed at psychiatric hospitals — unless Kansas comes up with millions to stop it

Why go through the expense: Them guys are too crazy to use them properly anyway.

****************************************************

Wonkblog: Why Le Pen stumbled where Trump soared

In a word: Hillary. [They still writing about this?!?]

****************************************************

Astrophysicist: ETs May Have Already Lived And Died In Our Solar System

I'm pretty sure bushbabies are their preset-day dumbed-down descendants, who ended up so primitive because their ET ancestors spent too much time on their smart apps.

****************************************************

What Actually Causes Body Odor?

Hanging around people who smell badly: "Stink sticks!"

****************************************************

Train operator caused doors to open on wrong side on elevated Red Line tracks

Luckily there were no idiots riding in the cars that day.

****************************************************

What Donald Trump doesn’t understand about the federal government

Amazing! They got the whole federal government in one single picture!

****************************************************

Australian Senator Breast-Feeds in Parliament, and the World Notices

Does not say whether he was breast-feeding off his wife or a girlfriend.

****************************************************

Trump Shared Classified Data With Russians, Officials Say

But isn't that his job? Doesn't he work for the Russians?

****************************************************

Preet Bharara: Are there still public servants who will say no to the president?

Yes: James Comey.

****************************************************

The Fix: American institutions are ‘under assault’ by Trump. But do people care?

Not if the institution of American Journalism doesn't bother explaining this to'em, no.

****************************************************

Hundreds of photos of feet are found on man’s phone. Police are trying to ID the feet

But so far every foot's phone number they've tapped has come up not tapping. [They might require tap shoes.]

****************************************************

Earrings sold for world record $57.4m

Were Tom Cruise's ears still attached to them?

****************************************************

In a PR blitz before his trial, Bill Cosby blames racism for sexual assault claims

Hey [ey, ey], and if that doesn't work he's ready to blame global warming next AND then Man's universal fight against foot odor.

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Woman finds an iguana in her toilet

Can't remember exactly how far back it was she ate it.

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Hackers are reportedly holding a Disney film for ransom

And they want the money delivered in a brown paper bag either by Dopey or even preferably by HUD Secretary Ben Carson.

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Woman shot and killed by officers in D.C. appeared to be armed with gun, police say

"We'll know more once we examine the gun to see if it's a gun or not."

****************************************************

Wis. lawmaker wants to outlaw ‘stealthing’ — nonconsensual condom removal — as sexual assault

"There I was waiting for a bus, officer. When suddenly, without so much as a how-do, she put her hand down my pants and removed my condom!"

****************************************************

Comey Memo Says Trump Asked Him to End Flynn Investigation

Godfather: I hope you can let this go.
Mr. Clamp: I am sorry, Godfather. Can't do it.
Godfather: That's all right. Don't worry about it.

--Then immediately Mister Clamp turns up dead:

Did the Godfather ORDER him to drop it?
Or was it just a casual meaningless hope?

Intent can be inferred. And in law usually is, as there are SO few cases of murderers saying they had the intent to kill but so many more murderers swearing their intent was never to do so. [And, unfortunately for the Godfather, when they found Mister Clamp's body he was still holding on!]

Godfather: What a nut job!

****************************************************

Tulsa officer acquitted in fatal shooting of unarmed black man

"Yes he was unarmed. But you have to remember that he was also black." [Ok. You're free to go.]

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Saudi Arabia working to dazzle Trump in busy overseas visit

They've already got their clown, bought party hats, balloons, and are auditioning magicians who claim they can pull a rabbit out of a hat (well within Trump's attention span). ["Next!"]

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The giant bugs on the sidewalks are cicadas that rose from the dead 4 years too early

Great! Now instead of just stepping on'em I gotta drive toothpicks through their hearts?

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The Latest: Macron says intel-sharing with US to continue

The only thing that will change is that from now on (until Trump resigns) they're going to call Paris traffic reports "top secret." ["Let's si wat du Rushians do wooid dat, uh!"]

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Pennsylvania woman's lost keepsake necklace found in Iceland

Police say an Islandic mountain climber slash second-storey man is a person of interest.

****************************************************

Why Have Relations With Israel Cooled?

Answer: How much has Trump Family business with the Arabs heated up these days?

****************************************************

So How Much Urine Is Really in Public Pools?

So much that these days I just climb up to the diving board to pee and then run right back down without jumping in the water.

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Can A 'Poop Transplant' Change Your Weight?

Maybe, but somebody dropping a turd down on your head definitely will. [from The Book of Physical Realities]

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Big game hunter dies after being crushed by elephant shot by another hunter

"Watch him jump when I shoot that elephant he's leaning against!"

****************************************************

I was my husband’s caregiver as he was dying of cancer. It was the best seven months of my life.

You know that can be taken two ways, right?

****************************************************

How beauty pageants reflect the same changes as Trump’s immigration orders do

They both step heavily over the unfortunate but go on to reward the graceful?

****************************************************

You’re on plane. A situation is brewing. You have a camera. Do you press record?

No. you press for a parachute.

****************************************************

Scientific proof that Americans basically eat dessert for breakfast

My philosophy, basically, is: If you can eat dessert, why wouldn't you?

****************************************************

Here's How Long Your Trash Will Hang Around After You're Dead

If I know my wife, she'll simply toss it in the coffin with me as they're hauling it out to the incinerator. ["Two birds with one stone."]

****************************************************

Officials: Alaska Man Shoots Self in Head, Kills Girlfriend

Pleads not guilty by reason of an unusually hard head.

****************************************************

Jared Kushner now a focus in Russia investigation

Damn Trump clan's an entire organized crime family just by themselves!

Lieberman Withdraws From Consideration as F.B.I. Director

Sez the guy they need to finally put away the Trump Crime Family is Eliot Ness.

Who Is Greg Gianforte?

I think he might be a wannabe leg-breaker for the Trumpinos. No?

[Donald Trump is a great moral lesson for the world on the consequences of voting for someone who lacks morality and ethics, not to mention a sound mind.]

****************************************************

How did whales get so big, so fast? Paleontologists say they’ve figured it out.

"By eating a lot real fast." [Nobels to come.]

****************************************************

I Ate My Own Placenta And Didn't Feel Any Different

Did you look first to see whether the kid was still in it?

****************************************************

Bill Maher Tells Donald Trump To 'F**k Mars’ And Make Earth Great Again

Trump sez he's up for the first job now but the second job might have to wait until his third term at least.

****************************************************

Was Trump in Israel when he visited Jerusalem?

No. No matter where Trump is, he is always somewhere else.

****************************************************

Duterte justified martial law over the ‘beheading’ of a police chief — who is still alive

Sure: A lot of police chiefs have nervous systems as primitive as those of reptiles & chickens.

****************************************************

Science Says: What's Known and Not Known About Marijuana

Smoke some and you won't mind all that much what's known or not known.

****************************************************

Oh Baby! DC Zoo Officials Hoping to Get Panda Pregnant

Animal Rights crowd vowing to stop such blatant bestiality.

****************************************************

How NASA Gets Its Astronauts To Drink Their Own Pee Without Gagging

Told'em it was chicken soup way past its expiration date that's still safe to drink.

****************************************************

After being stabbed, D.C. man drives 7 miles to reach Howard University Hospital

Even though Riff-Raff Emergency Clinic was only two blocks away.

****************************************************

Hundreds Of Dead Seabirds, Sea Lions Wash Up In California

The real mystery is why dead sea creatures wash up on shore while plastic washes out to sea. [Why is that?!]

****************************************************

African Americans are more likely than whites to develop Alzheimer’s. Why?

Just thinking about it. [Most probably.]

****************************************************

Trump is about to do something terrible and destructive. The GOP must own the consequences.

Oh? He's staying in office then?

****************************************************

Why It’s O.K. to Lie About a Secret Channel

Best way to keep it secret.

****************************************************

Is Jared Kushner doomed?

You mean like everybody else who's ever come into contact with Donald Trump? ["This does not bode well for America."]

****************************************************

Man Whose Hand Was Sewn Into Abdomen Is On The Road To Recovery

Doctors say it'll take him a while, though, as now he's not as good at hitchhiking in the direction he's going.

****************************************************

Blue Whale Found Dead On Northern California Beach Likely Struck By Ship

Police cautiously looking for whoever threw the ship at it.

****************************************************

Aerospace Executive 'Absolutely Convinced' There Are Aliens On Earth

"Who you think's driving all'em Ubers?!" [Pray tell.]

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How do I encourage my partner to lose weight so that I can be attracted to him?

Offer him a cookie.

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Hillary Clinton, smash your rearview mirror

"Can't! I'll be driving blind if I do!"

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Trump Apparently Doesn't Know Which Christians Are Evangelicals

"They're the ones that wear the little beanies, right?"

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Kristof: What Monkeys Can Teach Us About Fairness

Sir, I am a chimp of the subspecies homo sapiens sapiens (either "man who thinks he can think" or "man who knows what he knows"). Either way: Monkeys can teach nothing to me!

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Crowds call for independent probe into Russian role in election of Trump

In a democracy all the shouts on the street cannot out-shout the press of a single finger in a voting booth. [You wanna change the world? Turn out the vote.]

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Why this Virginia Democratic candidate calls Trump a ‘narcissistic maniac’

Because he calls'em like he sees'em?

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I could face prison for protesting. A man who sexually abused a hotel worker got a $50 fine.

Hey, ya gets what ya can get.

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Cher, Jimmy Carter attend Gregg Allman’s funeral

Did not know Cher & Jimmy Carter were an item now.

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Md. homeowner checks midnight surveillance video, sees naked man rattling door

"Mmm, now that's strange..."

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Crowded airplanes heighten aggression. We know that from studying rats.

Did not know that many rats had the money now to travel by plane. [Doesn't surprise me, though.]

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London mayor to attackers: 'You do not commit these disgusting acts in my name'

Mayor Allah then flew back to Hell to finish hatching his eggs.

London resident: 'These guys are not Muslims'

Mate, "these guys" commit their crimes because THEY are convinced they are Muslims: What you think one way or the other doesn't really come into it.

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Lawyer: Confusion leads to refugee charged with hitting kids

So it was the kids hit him, then? Charge them!

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Forget the Paris accord. Here’s what can really fight climate change.

F**king: F**king is the thing that's really damaging our planet. Ya wanna save the planet: Stop f**king!

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Solar’s rise lifted blue-collar workers in N.C. Now they’re worried about Trump.

Well I think it's very sweet of them to be worried about Trump. But, frankly, he's got only himself to blame for all his troubles & woes.

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20-year-old on trial for encouraging her boyfriend to kill himself

Sometimes the woman that stands behind has to pay for what the man she stands behind is buying into.

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The Other Talk Parents Avoid: Pornography

"People making love is beautiful. As long as you don't look at it." ["Gee, Ma!"]

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How Marjorie Merriweather Post lost a priceless emerald at Buckingham Palace — and got it back

If she'd lost it at the White House today by now Trump would be out boasting about all the millions he had to shell out for that lovely gift to his wife Melania.

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I helped prosecute Watergate. Comey’s statement is sufficient evidence for an obstruction of justice case.

Yeah, but the Sheriff's gonna have to go down to the White House and drag Trump out kicking & screaming (and texting) and put him & all his junk out on the curb, because Trump's not gonna go easy like Nixon: At least Nixon understood that there was such a thing as the Law. Frankly, I don't think Trump's ever even heard about that. [Oui: "La Loi c'est moi." No?]

[And, to be honest, I'm surprised Trump hasn't put a hit on North Korea by now to create a diversion.]

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Trump Nominated Christopher A. Wray As FBI Director. Who Is He?

I'm guessing: Someone who swore personal allegiance to the Emperor?

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My friends refuse to tip waiters. How should I respond?

By generously asking for a separate table for yourself so that your friends may have all the spit to themselves.

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Study links pesticide used to fight Zika in Florida to health impacts in Chinese babies

Wow! Guess it's a small world after all!

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What counting Florida butterflies can tell the world about climate change

That global warming can drive some people bonkers? [I knew that.]

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Did Trump just acknowledge that he told Comey to back off Michael Flynn?

Was that Hillary Clinton once again doing the funky chicken on SNL?

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These former NBA stars say their teams could beat the Warriors. They’re wrong.

Wonder if that means my friend is also wrong then when he says his grandmother could beat the Warriors...

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Indian legislator declares war on ‘killer’ dumplings

Read it! Read it! Maybe some very fat Indians have been "going around" crushing others to death.

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My mother is romantically involved with her cousin. Do I need to get on board with this?

Only if you don't live in the civilized parts of the country. Down in Six-Toes Territory it's perfectly all right.

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Tillerson called for the Saudi-led bloc of nations to ease the blockade on Qatar. An hour later, Trump contradicted him.

I think the Trump administration has to seriously consider locking up The Donald in his room and only letting him out to eat or go to the bathroom. [Just tell him they've got a Russian ho lined up for him in there.]

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The curious case of Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s alleged Corvette on eBay

Does not say whether the alleged Corvette is buying or selling.

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President Trump cares more about himself than his country

What a surprise!

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James Comey is a ‘leaker’ — but that doesn’t make him a criminal

It could just be that his prostate is shot.

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Top-ranked Oregon State baseball faces questions about the registered sex offender on its roster

Question #1: How good can he hit?

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Trump has mastered the art of seeming like he’s telling the truth

Cheap punks who want to be flim-flam men already Googling whether there's a Trump College somewhere for that. [Not yet.]

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Who Was The Last Person On Earth Born In The 1700s?

More important to us all: When are we born... when the first bit of us is first caught sight of, or when the last of us is completely out of the hole? [This can be a significant gap of time.] I think the entire United Nations should get together and establish a world standard on this.

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Someone reportedly spent $133,000 on two tickets to Game 5 of the NBA Finals

Someone's got money to burn but not to feed a few hundred hungry children. [Maybe they're not self-centered evil monsters. Maybe nobody's put the idea into their busy heads.]

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Still-Blinking Beached Humpback Whale Euthanized After Failed Rescue

Laws in most states currently prohibit doing the same thing for humans similarly suffering their final moments.

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I didn’t know how much I loved my high school until they closed it

I didn't love my high school that much UNTIL they closed it. [Curse them! Curse them all!]

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Trump’s travel ban is useless. Terrorists mostly come from our own back yard.

Not my back yard: I spray it regularly with some of that stuff that keeps down the vermin.

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Trump Friend Says He Is Considering Firing Mueller

Of course. The Donald's SOP (Standard Operating Procedure) is:

1) Threats he's considering firing you if you don't come across

2) increase the threats to at last try to rattle/derail you

3) In the end: he'll fire you, dude, because Trump's Daddy & Mommie never taught him that there are any bad consequences to him when he does bad things to others. ["In fact, your profit goes up."]

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Chinese man caught with 500 imprisoned cats destined for restaurants

Area Chinese restaurants will now have to sell mostly fish: No beef, no pork!

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NASA's Final 12 Astronaut Candidates For 2017 Are Out Of This World

Guess they couldn't wait for the rocket.

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How Pasteur’s Artistic Insight Changed Chemistry

"Boiling this'll probably kill anything that's alive in there." [from the best-selling Genius Is Easy by George W. Bush] "Including any evil spirits."

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We started wearing noise cancelling headphones to restaurants

It was either that or not going in there quite as hungry.

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Graduating senior refused to read speech written by administrators, so they withheld his diploma

Good! It's good to see our schools are still teaching our kids as early as they can that the world is mean, petty and unjust.

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Trilobites: As Female Elk Age, They Learn to Evade Hunters

Of course, it doesn't hurt that hunters are mostly after male elk.

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Can Animals Predict Earthquakes? Italian Farm Acts as a Lab to Find Out

I doubt it: I bought my dog a crystal ball and all he did was take off playing with it. [If I'd've seen that coming I could've saved myself the 2 bucks.]

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Russia threatens to treat U.S. coalition aircraft as targets over Syria

At some point we are going to have to have a decisive settling of which of our two militaries is superior over the other: That's why we have invested so much of our money on them. It might as well be in Syria as anywhere else.

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Can words kill people?

Yes. Just make sure that the stones you paint them on are really heavy.

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Here’s how to keep Russian hackers from attacking the 2018 elections

Why?!? Everything Russia is doing to others is causing the Russians tremendous damage politically, economically and every other way, bringing them nothing but contempt, opprobrium and dishonor.

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Two horrific acts of violence and a debate: What is a hate crime?

A hate crime is one that's not committed for a loving reason.

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Trump says he has no ‘tapes’ of Comey conversations

Translation: The ones he has support Comey.

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The Return Of Mike Myers Is Wonderfully Baffling

Yeah! You'd think he would've finally killed his sister by now!

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Ever wonder why eggs are shaped like eggs? Scientists say they’ve figured it out.

Because if they were squared you'd never hear the end of hens squawking about it?

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Bill Cosby to host town halls on sexual assault accusations

In unrelated news, the Big Bad Wolf announced he was hosting townhalls on how little pigs can keep from being eaten up by wolves.

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New Yorkers, Scientists Will Pay $1,000 To Study Your Rat Infestation

Do they have to be running loose about the house, or can I still keep them in their little cages while they're studying them?

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Turkey Stops Teaching Evolution, Angering Secularists

Look, if they can't see with their own eyes the reality of evolution (having a turkey as their teacher), it's hopeless--Let them go back to the Dark Ages like Erdogan wants them to.

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Kushner firm given $285 million Deutsche Bank loan a month before Election Day

Oh-Oh! Looks like Mueller might be getting ready to be fired by Kushner's father-in-law! ["Fire him, Daddy! Fire him!"]

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Spain: Poor English may have caused bungee-jumping death

The difference between "you don't have to attach the cord" and "you done have to attach it afore you jumps off." ["You sure?!?"]

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Want to ditch your commute? Finding a work-at-home job is easier than ever.

Washing dishes for a working wife is always open.

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Violent crime in District down 26 percent; homicides, robberies, assaults all drop

Non-violent homicide: Trump winning election
Non-violent robbery: Store offering 10% off
Non violent assault: Bum with a Squeegee

[Ok. It's possible.]

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For the seventh time this year, a Mexican journalist is slain

He's probably getting pretty tired of it by now.

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A bear mauled a cyclist in the Alaskan woods. His friend came to his rescue.

Does not say whether it was a friend of the cyclist or of the bear.

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Will add more later. SDR

Buy the books: Each has hundreds & hundreds more...

[Thousands and thousands if you get the entire set.]

These are all real headlines--I'm the one who's unreal.

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DISCLAIMER: Note that my quips are almost exclusively all about the headline and the news articles themselves are in most cases irrelevant: Only because of the electronic nature of eBooks have I been able to include a [most convenient] search link to the actual news article... exclusively for the sake of those of you with a morbid curiosity (or a slow wit). But though I myself have read them, it is not really all that necessary that you put yourself through that too--unless, of course, you wish to find out whether my outrageous make of them might perhaps also be accurate (or just plain nuts).
S D Rodrian
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PERMISSIONS: As long as you provide the appropriate citation of authorship and Copyrights you may use [just one] of the above quips. More than one and you gotta pay me through the nose for their use.*
S D Rodrian

* NO mucus, please.

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SUNDRY OTHER S D Rodrian NOTES:

The Rules of Life
http://thesolutionisthis.com
The Stories and Poems of S D Rodrian
LATTER-DAY MUSINGS
.
Copyright Notice: Please note that none of the materials in this website are in the Public Domain, so please do not reproduce any of it without the proper permissions from the Copyright holder: S D Rodrian

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